EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT: My latest business venture…
I know there’s been a lot of excitement in the Macintosh developer community lately, as long time Apple employees have left the company to go into business for themselves as independent Macintosh developers. Daniel Jalkut, who I worked with at Apple many years back, has blogging for much of the last year about his experiences and thoughts on being a small Macintosh developer. Jens Alfke, whose office at Apple was down the hall and around the corner from mine recently announced he was “going indie”, and in the process prompted much discussion about the future of Apple and independent development. And, most recently, Peter Bierman, who also recently had moved his office at Apple into the same building as I’m in, announced that he was leaving and going into business for himself as an independent developer.
(Come to think of it, Daniel worked in the same building and just down the hall from me when he left Apple. I suppose I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I am causing people realize that they can do better on the outside and leave Apple. Hmmmmm…)
Anyway, I’ve given things a lot of thought, and I’m pleased to announce that I too am starting up a business of my own, and not leaving Apple to do it, because I would be horrible as an independent developer. Instead, I’ve looked around at all the business opportunities out there, and decided to go into what I think is the growth industry of today, an industry which has some seasoned competitors but in which I think I can find a niche to grow.
Yes, that’s right, I’m entering the “male enhancement” pills industry. I’m proud to annouce that I am opening my new business, Penis Reduction Pills.com. Based on my extensive research, which mostly consisted of typing things into google, I believe that I am selling the first penis reducing placebos available on the market today, shipped to you in large boxes festooned with our logo in large type on all six sides, so that the world knows you’ve got a large johnson.
It’s ok; you can go click on that link. I’ll wait till you get back, then I’ll answer any questions you might have below.
So, that’s the big news. I have alerted all the major media outlets, and while most of them said “Keith who?” and “No thank you”, and ( in one rare case ) “Don’t make us renew that restraining order, Mr. Stattenfield”, it is possible that the lovely ladies on “The View” will be interviewing me next week about this. Personally, I’m thinking that Elizabeth and Whoopie will finally find something to agree on.
Now, answers to questions you likely have:
“Keith, are you serious? ”
Yes, totally. Sure, the site may read like it’s a huge joke. Sure, I’m selling a placebo in a box, which I ship to you, and I tell you it’s a placebo, and still think you’ll buy it, but I’m totally serious. I mean, if those Enzyte folks can sell a totally untested bunch of crap for $35/month ( wow! ), or ExtenZe can sell for $40 a month, then this is an industry that I should be a part of. And, at $15 for a month’s supply ( or, longer, if you just refill the bottle with your own candy once it’s empty ), I’m hugely cheaper.
“Um, really?”
Well, ok. Maybe it’s a bit of a joke. But, if you go ahead and click on that “Buy them!” and place an order, I will ship you your very own well-labeled box containing your very own bottle of penis reducing placebos. It’s just like with Mike Lee and saving the lemurs except there are no lemurs involved and the money doesn’t go to charity, and likely I’m going to lose money.
“And, you’re not leaving Apple, right?”
Correct. I love my job, and there’s no way I could ever make a living actually selling penis reducing pills on the internet. So, that whole thing above about “going indie” and everything else is just a pathetic attempt to garner some attention and publicity and love from everyone. Sorry.
“And, for those of you who are thinking ‘But, guys don’t want it smaller; they want it bigger'”
I understand; at first sometimes folks miss the joke. See, I’m not really selling anything that makes it smaller. I’m selling you something that doesn’t actually make it smaller, but which looks like you need to take something to make it smaller, so folks will think it’s huge and needs reducing.
Still don’t understand? Don’t worry. Your kids will explain the joke to you.
UPDATE: You can get a 15% discount on your order with the coupon code FIRST100, assuming you’re one of the first 100 orders to come in and use the coupon! Now pay even less for placebos!